(SOFT AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS) I see dead peopl-l-le.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ (BABY CRYING) (EDINA GASPS) Fire.

Fire, fire.

Fire.

(CRYING CONTINUES) Uh, baby... Oh my God, Saffy's had a baby.

Stop it!

Shut up!

I'm trying to sleep, darling.

Will you make it stop, sweetheart?

(PANTS) Oh, God, I'm still REM-ing, darling.

I'm still REM-ing, sweetheart.

-(GROANS) -(CRYING CONTINUES) Sweetheart, you've got to-- (GROANS) (TOYS SQUEAK AND JINGLE) Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up.

(DUCK QUACKS) (CRYING CONTINUES) (DUCK QUACKS) (DUCK QUACKS INSISTENTLY) Oh!

Stop.

(GROANS) (SCREAMING) Sweetheart.

(BABY CRYING) -Where is that coming from?

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO) Turn it off!

Why hasn't it stopped, darling?

Where, where is it?

Where...

Darling, do something about her!

Shut her up!

Do something!

That is a tired cry.

-No, darling, that is not a tired cry.

-She will be asleep soon.

This is a tired cry.

(SCREAMING) That is a tired cry, darling.

Just put a cork in it.

I used to do that with you.

It always worked, darling.

A champagne cork, darling.

You can't swallow the fat bit.

Just put it in.

I have now lost a day's work, darling, with Queen Noor, through sleep deprivation.

You are now costing me money and connections, sweetheart.

She's on a routine, Mum.

-This is sleep time.

-Sleep time?

Well, she must have jet lag, darling.

Because I'm on mean time where she'd be!

I don't know.

What is this, Nazi book of child rearing you're using, darling, huh?

Sleep... eat, talk, smile, what is it?

Do not deviate.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

That's Gina bloody Ford, yes!

What was it in your day, Dr. Spock?

Dr. Spock.

Ridiculous.

Dr. Spock?

What, Dr. Spock's Vulcan Book Of Child Rearing, darling?

Yeah, sure.

What, raise a child that can render you unconscious by pinching your neck?

I don't think so, darling.

Oh, shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

-Mom!

-Shut up!

Shut up!

She's supposed to get herself to sleep.

Darling, she is screaming to be released from the straitjacket of a routine you got her in.

Loosen the straps, she cried.

(SIGHS) You wanna rub her gums with gin, darling.

That always worked for me.

Yeah.

That baby's like me, darling.

Oh, yeah.

No, she is not and never will be.

(MUMBLING) Look, I have to follow something.

There has to be some structure.

Darling, they don't come with a manual.

You make it up as you go along!

She needs a routine.

Oh, a routine.

I want her to know what happens when, to feel secure that she will never be left, never go hungry.

(MOCKING BABY COOING) That same scratched old record, isn't it, darling?

-It's my fault again, isn't it?

You... -Oh, shut up!

(BABY STOPS CRYING) (WHISPERING) You will shut up, you just shut up.

Just shut up.

You never took advantage of the opportunity of freedom I gave you, darling.

And then you learned to get on with life, amuse yourself, didn't you?

That baby didn't stand a chance, sweetheart.

Amuse myself?

I was staying alive.

I had to find money for food, get a bus to Dad's, be invisible, pretend to be a midget so people didn't take me to the police station.

You're oppressing that child, darling.

You left me in the dark without walls.

-It was like free falling without a parachute.

-Oh.

I didn't know what I could eat and what I couldn't.

I had my stomach pumped five times before I was three.

Oh, well...

Consider yourself lucky, darling.

I mean, how many people can boast near-death experiences as a part of their learning curve, hmm?

God.

I mean, you're just angry, aren't you, darling?

Just angry, tired and angry 'cause this ain't working and you can't admit it.

-It is working.

-It ain't working.

Oh, God, what is he doing now?

What is he doing?

Did you know that one of the biggest dangers in the home for the little children are sharp edges and protrusions?

Some of these sharp edges can even take out the baby's eye.

Oh, just stop him.

-I'm just rubbing 'round-- -John, just, just stop it.

-Just stop it.

-Stop it.

I mean, maybe you could rub some sharp edges off her while you're at it, couldn't you, hmm?

I want everything else gone as well, gates and things.

I want my house back, darling.

Have you any idea what it's like for me trying to come downstairs now, darling?

I'm...

I'm like that little experimental squirrel, aren't I, darling?

You know, trying to get the peanut, jumping from platform to platform, sweetheart.

Look, going along the washing line, sweetheart.

Into the little cart, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And there ain't even a peanut at the end of it for me, is there?

That baby, sweetheart, does not have to live in a padded cell.

Oh, John, just leave it.

(SCREAMING) Will you just leave it?

Look, Gran will be coming over soon.

Why don't you go and get ready so we can go out to lunch?

Yeah, okay, okay.

Actually, I don't think Gran will be coming over.

She always comes on a Thursday so John and I can go out.

Yeah, well, maybe not this afternoon, darling, because I have banned her for abusing my bathroom, alright?

With her little cocoon spa day.

Darling, I, I am now having to get rid of my pool because it's just become a sort of Petri dish of senile bacteria.

-Mum-- -The whole surface was just a mesh of old man back hair, darling.

Anyhow, I don't know anything, but, you know, by the color of that water, I don't think they make an incontinent swimming pants for the elderly gentleman, alright?

Get out of my way!

Going back to the bed.

That means we can't go out.

I'm sorry, John.

Oh, it's okay.

Look, why don't you go and look at the hinges on the baby bath stand?

-Oh... -Please?

-Okay.

-Thank you.

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) ...Thursday and we've been trying to ring you.

What, darling?

-Oh, Eddy.

-What?

You know you put that little maggot baby on the books at Models 1?

Well, today's the first photo shoot.

What?

I said Thursday, darling, because the troll daughter is out.

And you've only got a model to deal with.

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-There we are, sweetheart.

I got some Rohypnol for Mrs. M. I thought we could just put a little in her tea.

You know, just mix it in, and it just knocks her out for the whole day.

(INAUDIBLE) My mother isn't coming today, we can't have the baby.

Darling, this is a Gaultier for Vogue shoot.

-It's a real biggie, darling.

-Edina: No, she's not coming.

-We have to be there.

-Edina: But she's not coming.

-We have to be there.

-We can't be there.

We can't be there.

-Will you listen to me?

-We have to be there.

Stop saying there.

We cannot be there.

My mother isn't coming, we can't have the baby.

(STUTTERS) We could just snatch the baby.

Saffy and John are here, sweetheart.

We could split the dose.

Oh, darling, I told them definitely.

Darling, I've worked in fashion.

This will go down very badly.

-Just ask her.

-Oh, ask?

What do you mean, ask her?

"Can I have the baby, please?"

I think not.

No, I know her.

Oh, no.

-That little dream has ended before it's even begun, darling.

-Oh, Eddy.

Her first modeling job.

Oh, God, I don't think it's right anymore.

I mean, that, you know, I can't have the baby, I can't have...

I can't have my house, my space, my life.

-That is not right, Eddy.

-No.

That is not right, darling.

Just because some chance seed by accident happened to grow in that desert of a being, -doesn't mean you should have to suffer.

-Yeah.

No.

No, darling, I mean, she's ruining my life.

-She's ruining our life.

-Yeah, darling.

Eddy, what's happened to you?

You must take control.

Yeah, I must take control, darling.

Yeah, no more nice Eddy.

No, darling, this is your house.

-Edina: Yeah.

-You wanna just snap your fingers and... (GROANS) What did you do?

Eddy, I snapped my fingers.

Yeah, well, snap them back again, darling.

Take control.

(CHUCKLES) (BONE CRUNCHES) Do you have children?

Oh, yes.

One child who I adore and hardly gives me time for anything.

But then, because I love babies, Jeff and I are hoping, cross fingers, that one day, when I'm not quite so busy, we'll get around having another implantation.

(MUMBLING) Sorry, what have you got?

We've got an embryo waiting for us whenever we're ready.

-Frozen?

-Yes.

All snuggly in its own little North Pole.

So, what are you busy with at the moment then, Katy?

Well, I suppose what I'm most excited about is the idea of interviewing celebrities, and I know what you're thinking, Fern.

"Is there not a star or a celebrity left "who hasn't said everything?

They're all interviewed out."

It's rather like your favorite bottle of drink.

You pick it up, and you find that it's empty, someone else has drunk it all.

So, so, you tip it right up and you wait and, and you suck hard and, and you get your tongue right in there and, and lick as hard as you can.

And eventually, you'll get the one last, tasty drip.

And that drip might be a jewel, and, Fern, it's a drip nobody else got.

Would you like me to stay for the competition?

Yes.

Yeah, we don't wanna watch her, darling.

Don't.

What?

She always does that.

Of course, she always does it, 'cause you react.

The only way to stop her is not to react.

It's like Pavlov's dog, darling.

The longer you go on reacting, the more she's gonna do it, isn't she?

Hmm?

-Eddy, what is this?

-Huh?

What?

Well, it's a baby gym, innit?

-Oh, is this a muppet?

-Oh, stop it.

Let's just put it on the floor, sweetheart.

All that money for gymming, I only used it once.

(CHUCKLING) (SCATTING) Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Look, look, look.

I put this on here.

Edina: Oh, fantastic.

Sweetheart, have you seen this?

Have you seen that, darling?

-(MUMBLING) -(BOTH LAUGH) (BABY WHINING) Oh, God, what's the matter with it now?

-That baby wants to be sick, darling.

-She's fine.

Darling, I may not know much about babies, but I do know about vomiting.

That baby wants to be sick.

-Mum!

-I want my space back, alright?

Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, look, look, look.

Eddy.

That's fantastic.

That's fantastic.

God, look at you.

What a mess you are now.

You'd love therapy, darling.

Get that therapy I had, darling, the one where they know what's wrong with you but they won't tell you.

You have to work it out for yourself.

Or get a nanny, come on.

No, I'm doing this on my own.

I'll ring the agencies for you, darling.

I mean, they can't all be mad baby shakers, can they, sweetheart?

Anyway, darling, if you could harm a baby by shaking it, you'd have been a goner.

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

Patsy used to shake you about, didn't you?

Yeah, when you swallowed pennies.

Yeah, always swallowing pennies.

Yeah, well, we had to put 'em somewhere.

You were like a little money box, put one in and then shake it when we want it out again.

(LAUGHING) -Saffron... -Edina: Oh, God.

-Are you okay?

-Yes!

Edina: She's alright.

I was just getting my tool kit, because the thread on the bolt... Oh, look, I don't need to know the details, just do it!

John: Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Edina: Oh, darling.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

You'll lose him.

-You don't know anything about our relationship.

-Edina: Yeah.

I can spot low self-image and no libido a mile off, darling.

Look at you.

When did you last have, you know... Have penetration.

Yeah, when did you last have penetration, darling?

Well, I know he stays over.

I'm not talking about this with you.

Edina: Hmm.

Yeah, pull yourself together, do something with yourself or you will lose him.

He's probably porking a prossie anyway.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Men like a woman, darling.

Not some kinda feeding station like you.

They don't want a bra full of damp pads and lactic crust, do they?

They want a firm lady boulder.

Yeah, not bovine udders akimbo.

Edina: (LAUGHING) Oh, darling.

(SIGHS) You're even starting to smell like a baby.

Sour puke.

Edina: Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) And you wanna make sure that that pelvic floor is kept in shape.

Oh, yeah, darling, you wanna take care of down there.

Yeah, trim and tighten.

Yeah, men like it neat and tight.

Yeah, not swinging saloon doors, Eddy.

Darling, I had my whole floor resprung after I had her.

That's not me.

(CRYING) What?

(CRYING LOUDLY) Wh... What, darling?

What is it?

What?

What?

(SOBBING) You're right.

What, sweetheart?

Look at me.

What, darling?

Tell Mum.

Why would he stay with me?

Darling, there's... Oh, Mama squish.

Look, there's things you can do, darling.

It's alright.

Yeah, shave your feet.

(WHISPERING) "Shave your feet."

Oh, darling, it's alright, sweetheart.

I need to get out.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-With John.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Mum, would... Would you look after Jane for a couple of hours?

Patsy: Yes!

Not you.

No.

No, darling, she won't, she won't be here.

You're asking me?

Oh, yeah, darling.

I won't let you down, will I, sweetheart?

But in the house.

You can't go out.

No, we won't go out, sweetheart.

We won't go out.

I'll leave everything.

Yeah, you just go, sweetheart, just go.

I need to express some milk.

Edina: Alright, sweetheart.

(EDINA GASPS) (PUMP WHIRRING) Oh, darling.

She asked me.

(LAUGHING) She asked me.

Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling.

-Yes?

-When she's gone, we can take her to the zoo.

-What, to the zoo?

-Yeah, to the Gaultier shoot.

Yeah, but, darling, she's trusting me with this.

Don't worry about her.

It's as much your baby as it is hers.

You're the mother of the mother.

Darling you're hardly committing child abuse.

You're just taking the baby to the zoo to have a lovely picture taken.

Yeah, it's not a crime is it?

-No, not an arrestable offense.

-No.

-Darling, you deserve a little pleasure.

-Yeah.

You know, after years of what that little troll has put you through.

Edina: Oh, yeah.

Patsy: This little baby is like... A Prozac raindrop from a thunder cloud of depression.

Yeah.

Yeah, my baby too.

That was really beautifully put, actually, Pats, I like that.

Oh, cheers, yeah, that's good, isn't it?

You could put that on a sticker or something.

-Yeah, you could.

-Yeah.

Mum, Patsy can't be here.

No, she's going.

Aren't you, darling?

-You're going.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, um, so, I'll see you later, darling.

-Promise?

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-See you later.

-What?

Patsy: So, Eddy, see you tomorrow... -uh, uh, night, evening.

-Edina: Um, tomorrow.

Is that the espresso?

Was that a titful?

Is it?

I think I could do a bit better than that.

Hello, sweetheart.

(COOING) Aw.

I'm not sure this is safe.

But she's the mother.

I mean, what is safer than the mother?

The mother is the safest person in the whole world.

We have to be able to trust you, Mum.

Of course you can trust me, darling.

Go on, off you go.

Go and get yourself ready.

We will be two hours.

Yeah, two hours, fine, sweetheart.

(SIGHS) Yeah, a little, uh... A little thing for you, a little thing for later.

-Little thing for little... -What... Packet of condoms.

Condoms.

Are you suggesting that... No, just, you know, just for later.

-Little afternoon delight.

-Saffron.

Your mother is being flirtatious with me.

No, I'm not being flirtatious with him.

(CHUCKLES) -I'm... -What are you doing?

-It's for you, for her.

-Not for me, for her.

You are so embarrassing!

-Oh, just get out, get out!

-Let's go.

Just get out, just get out.

Yes, sweetheart, I'm here, mama's here.

(SIGHS) (MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY) (PUMP WHIRRING) Oh!

(GROANING AND SCREAMING) (RHYTHMIC PULSING) Ooh.

Eddy?

Eddy, where are you?

Yeah, darling, sweetheart, mother only just leaving the nest here, darling.

Comprendi, small hiccupio.

Edina: (LAUGHS) Darling... Well, hurry up, babe.

I'm starting to get looks.

Darling, hello, hello.

We're going to the zoo.

I'm gonna take you to the zoo.

(MUMBLING) (CHUCKLING) Oh, darling.

Let's write a note for Mama.

(SCRIBBLING) It's for education that we're going to the zoo.

We wanna go for education, don't we?

Here, take this, put it in the middle.

We're in a rush.

Pushchair, pushchair.

Get up there, little stupid thing.

Ah!

Nappies, bags... nappies, bags, bottles, catch.

Nappies, bags, bottle, baby.

There's Granny.

Granny's taking you to the zoo.

Yes, she is, darling, to the zoo.

Here we go.

I've got her in the front, just come and drive.

She can go on my knee.

Let's just tell her we're on our way, darling.

Pats, Pats, we're traveling.

Try and fit in till we get there.

You don't know me.

-Edina: Pats.

-Patsy: Eddy.

Don't say which monkeys you will buy.

We've only got two hours.

'cause Saff will be back for lunch.

Well, we gotta do it, darling, it's Gaultier.

I know, I told her it's educational.

Educational things, darling.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh.

Ooh, look at that.

Was that good?

Not bad, not as good as the fish.

Ooh, have I got a ten...

I haven't got time.

Come on, we've got to go.

Baby.

(EDINA SIGHS) -Edina: It says, "Bugs!

", darling.

-Patsy: Is it a bar?

Edina: No, darling, it's not a bar.

Did you see that lion?

It had enormous bullocks.

Yeah, well, Saffy's not interested in enormous bullocks, darling.

She's interested in conservation.

Oh, this is good, darling.

I'm gonna write this down.

"Bio... Biodiversity and conservation."

-(GASPS) -Hold, hold her.

I've got to write it down, sweetheart.

Ga-a-ah!

(STUTTERING) S-s-smells.

Sm-sm-smells.

(HUFFING) Oh, Eddy, it smells terrible.

(SNIFFS) (BLOWS) Stinky pooper, pooper.

Well, pull it open.

-(PATSY GROANS) -Pull, pull.

-That's it, yeah.

-Okay, we're good.

-Um... -Here we are, darling.

-Put it on.

-Which, which way?

-That way, with the legs, uh, the legs this way.

-There we go.

Yeah, what do we do, darling?

What do we, um...

There we go.

Lie down.

-Oh, it's got its little legs.

-There we go, sweetheart.

-(BABY CRYING) -Oh, Come on, sweetie.

There we go.

You're gonna change your nappy.

Would you stop... What are you doing to its legs?

-Darling... -Just some stretch there.

-She's gonna be modeling.

-Oh, stop it.

It doesn't like it.

-It's making it cry.

-Alright, well, now... Now, what do we do, put the money in somewhere?

-Yeah.

Okay... -Where do you put the money in, darling?

Well, Eddy, it must be free.

Just press a button.

You just... Edina: Yeah, well, I've pressed a button.

(MUMBLING) Patsy: Eddy, this isn't working.

How do these things work?

-(SIGHS) -(BABY CRYING) Edina: Oh, God.

Um... Oh, darling, I think what you do is, you put the child on, just shut it up like that, just leave it for a minute, get it down again.

It'll be done, like a trouser press or something.

-It doesn't say that, does it?

-I mean... Alright, alright, alright, alright.

Let's just do it, come on.

-Baby changing facility, -Come on, ready?

-...it says right here.

-And... Stop.

What are you doing?

Well, it doesn't seem to be working.

It does, does... She's alright.

It's just not working.

Oh, we've tipped it the wrong way because that's got poop at the collar now, darling.

-(BABY CRYING) -(INDISTINCT) That's happy in her language.

(CHUCKLING) Mum, we're home.

Mum?

Edininia?

-Has she gone out?

-Oh, my God.

I knew we shouldn't have left her.

Where is she?

Mum!

Oh, it's okay.

There's a letter.

What does it say?

It's okay, she's taken her to the zoo.

-Oh, my God!

-No, it's okay.

No, you don't understand.

We have to go after her.

No, come on.

What?

We are alone.

And it's quiet.

-But our baby.

-It's okay.

Oh, but, John...

It's okay.

You don't have to shave your feet.

Don't worry.

-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) -There we go.

(SHUTTER CLICKING) Wow.

-That's good.

-Okay.

(MUMBLES) (MUMBLING) (EDINA CHUCKLES) Edina: How are you?

Allez-vous-en.

Je te fais foutre.

One of these is your baby?

Yeah, yeah, one of 'em.

Oh, they all look the same to me.

Oh, yes, uh... -that little mixed race one there, that's her.

-There we go.

I see no resemblance.

Well, I'm not wearing a nappy.

-She looks nice in the clothes.

-Edina and Patsy: Yeah.

You know, have you seen my earrings?

I love your earrings, I love your earrings.

Patsy: Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, not now.

Jean-Paul, tell me, what's going on here?

What's the vibe?

What's the story?

Oh, by the way, Jeremy sends his love.

Oh, Jeremy, I adore him.

Oh, yeah, he adores you.

I adore him, you know, he adores me, I adore you.

And... You know, it's a circle of love.

I've got the earrings, but I'm completely bare chested.

Eddy.

I need something dangling here, don't I?

Oh, Eddy.

I'm sorry, John.

I can't relax.

Oh, it's okay.

They'll be alright.

No, you don't understand.

She can't be trusted.

I think you're wrong.

She's very safety conscious, responsible.

It was her that gave us the condoms.

(SCOFFS) (SIGHS) Yeah, alright, darling.

Well, listen to me, we're coming home now.

Didn't you get my note?

Well, alright, that's fine, we'll come home now, darling.

Yeah, let's forget about education, shall we, sweetheart?

Dio-bioversity and everything like that, sweetheart.

We'll come home now, and we'll live in the domain of ignorance, shall we?

And watch Teletubbly videos, if that's what you want.

Yeah, alright, we'll see you in a minute.

No, I'm not drunk.

How can I be drunk?

I'm at the bloody zoo.

Come on, sweetheart.

How long should it take from the zoo?

I don't know.

Well, how long have they been?

I have no idea.

No, I don't believe they've been to the zoo.

Why would they go to the zoo?

Smell everything when they come in.

(KEYS JANGLING) (SHUSHING) Darling, she's asleep.

They seem okay.

Everything's okay.

-Let's go back upstairs.

-John, stop it.

Darling, Pats, Pats, show all the lovely education stuff we got at the zoo.

Oh, I wasn't at the zoo.

(EDINA LAUGHING) Mum, I trusted you.

Yeah, darling, but that trust was well-placed wasn't it, look.

She's alive and well and happy and loved, darling.

In fact, darling...

I think because you trusted me, sweetheart, that for once in my life I've actually done something right.

That's funny, isn't it?

I was...

I was looking at this little baby's face in the car on the way home, darling... and I could see a little bit of both of us in her.

I could see you, not you, I couldn't see you.

She's a bit of both of us, isn't she, darling?

And we bonded a little bit.

I think because I've bonded with her, I've sort of bonded with you as well.

Don't you think, darling, please?

Thank you for that gift, thank you, darling.

Group hug, sweetheart, little hug.

Aw, not you.

I said not you!

Oh, sweetie pie.

-Come here.

-Edina: Here, darling.

Careful with her head.

There we go, darling, that's it, there we go.

Ohh.

I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out.

(GASPS) What?

This isn't our baby.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ What have you done to our little jewel?

Are you sure?

Hello.

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)