(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ What is that?

The Christmas tree.

(GASPS) -Yeah, but, darling... -What?

Plastique.

It's very realistic.

I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief of Father Crimbo, darling, but not for that bare, old hairbrush.

Come on.

It's ecological.

Until you burn it.

Hideous, sweetie, hideous.

I'm just trying to make it a nice Christmas, darling, for, for little Lola and you.

It is my first family Christmas at home, isn't it, sweetheart?

Ho-ho.

(SIGHS) Anyway, I've... (MOTOR REVS) -What have you done?

-Nothing.

-(MOTOR REVVING) -Oh, no, it's a surprise.

You're not allowed to see it yet.

-It's a surprise.

-Saffy: Let me in.

-It's a surprise.

-Mum, let me in.

-No.

-(MOTOR REVVING) (DOOR RATTLING) Oh.

Oh-ho.

There you go.

(SIGHS) I had to take the top off to fit it in.

Two for the price of one.

Oh, thank you.

Cheers.

Yeah, see you, then.

God, it didn't look that big in the forest, darling.

(SIGHS) Where is it from?

It's disgusting.

Darling, it's from the special Green Peace and the Friends of the Earth recyc... Some-somewhere in Scandinavia, darling.

Anyway, it would just have ended up as cheap furniture in IKEA if it wasn't here, darling, I promise you.

Alright.

It looked quite small from the helicopter.

-(MUMBLES) -Get it out.

I can't, darling.

Man's taken the crane away now.

I can't get it out.

Patsy: Eddy, Eddy.

Edina: Is that Patsy?

-Patsy: Eddy, where are you?

-Edina: Pats!

-Where are you?

-Patsy: Oh, Eddy.

Follow my voice, darling.

Hello, hello, hello.

-Oh.

-Oh, sweetheart.

Patsy, darling.

-Oh, Eddy, where am I?

Where have I been?

-Oh.

Darling, they must have picked you up on the way in, darling.

It's fantastic, isn't it?

Oh, honey.

Oh, look, squirrel.

Both: Squirrel, squirrel.

Squirrel, squirrel.

-Oh, darling.

-Oh.

Oh.

Well, that's realistic, isn't it, darling?

-Better than plastique.

-Mum, come downstairs now.

I need to talk to you.

-(SIGHS) -Ooh.

Nightmare in Gucci and Prada.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It's become so... Oh, thank you.

It's become so common.

I blame Martine McCutcheon.

-Yes.

-You have to queue -to get in, queue to get in.

-Hmm.

And then it's like Petticoat Lane, shouting and chewing, "Oi, Tracey, how do I look?

"Pass us a couple of belts, will you?

And a Gucci shoehorn."

(CHOMPING NOISILY) Oh, so very, very common, lost all its chic.

Honestly, one trip down Bond Street, suddenly she's a duchess.

Look at her.

Look at that.

What did you get?

Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's greedy grasp.

Edina: Oh.

Please don't send me there again.

I won't.

Darling, I've got to go downstairs and see Saffy.

Oh, okay, I'll come with you.

-No, it's alright.

-No, I'll come with you, Eddy.

-I'm with you, Eddy.

-(MUMBLING) Oh, Bollinger.

(SIGHS) Well, I suppose, if I must.

Mm.

Oh.

I don't mind Tiffany's, although I did see Amanda Holden in there sniffing around.

Oh, new wealth.

So very, very common.

-(VOCALIZING) -Oh, listen.

(CHUCKLES) Mum, I need that room tidy by tonight because we are eating in there tomorrow.

Darling, it will be tidy.

I've only got to do my wrapping and my sorting.

Oh, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Sit down.

I'm not angry.

I know what you're trying to do.

It's just too much.

The reason I like the plastic tree -is because it's ours.

-Edina: Oh.

Every year we get it out.

It's like an old friend.

-I know it doesn't look that good, but it's special.

-It's horrible.

And each decoration-- Darling, it just could be so much nicer, don't you understand?

-We do Christmas every year.

-Yes.

We have our way of doing it.

You can't come in here like some horrible huge corporation -and dynamite away our local culture.

-Edina: Hmm.

Where have we gone now?

Where are we in the world?

-Huh?

-You have to be sensitive to it.

-I am.

(SIGHS) -You see, Mum, Christmas is always the same.

We do the same things at the same times, -and it's lovely.

-(SIGHS) (GASPS) Edina: Just could be so much better, though, darling.

-Don't you think?

-Saffy: Only in your terms.

(SIGHS) Edina: Alright, alright, alright.

What is it you do?

What's happening here?

Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey.

Oh, but I've... No, I canceled the caterers.

Oh, darling.

I was gonna save you all this work, that's all, sweetheart.

We want to do it.

We like doing it.

I mean, it is possible to have a good time and do the work.

In fact, doing it is having a good time.

Edina: Oh, sweetheart.

Well, here, help me.

Alright, Saffy.

Don't.

That's raw sausage meat.

Well, it's quite nice, darling.

There was always more stuffing in your mother at Christmas than there was in the turkey.

Christmas is about doing things.

When you come to have the meal, it will taste that much better -because you've done it yourself.

-Oh.

You know, that's the theory they have at rehab.

-Edina: Yeah.

-Yeah, it works for me.

"So, would you like a drink?"

"Yes, I would."

"Well, pour it yourself."

"Yes, I will," "Thank you very much."

"Well done."

"Cheers, sweetie."

Yeah.

Cheers, darling.

Cheers.

(SIGHS) Why isn't she doing the stuffing, darling?

She's good at stuffing.

Last year she stuffed the turkey with the contents of her handbag -and most of the Christmas pudding.

-Edina: Hmm.

Ooh.

Mum, will you stop eating it?

No, I like it, darling.

(CHUCKLES) Granddad... always put his false teeth in the turkey's bottom... to make it look as if it was smiling.

(LAUGHING) "It's Princess Anne," he used to say.

Oh, how we laughed.

Oh, I wonder where I put them.

♪ Glo-o-o... ♪ Stop now, Mum.

♪ ...ria ♪ ♪ In blah, blah, in a blah, blah ♪ Sweetheart... innit?

Christmas songs.

-Mama's singing Christmas songs.

-Yes.

Eddy, Eddy, look, is that an atoll?

-What?

-Patsy: Is that an atoll?

Oh, yeah, darling, that's an atoll.

That's an atoll.

A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean, and it's got a resort on it.

Oh, a nipple of land the size of a coffee table, darling, and suddenly there's a Four Seasons resort on stilts in it.

I mean, two people get in the sea, and the whole thing's flooded, innit?

You have to use scuba equipment just to get to the lobby.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Yeah.

We'll go there next year, yeah?

-(CONTINUES LAUGHING) -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What exactly is this for, dear, and where does it go?

It goes upstairs, Gran.

Oh, right.

Mm.

So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight, doesn't he?

-Hmm?

-Yes.

-And we have drinks in the evening.

-Yes.

-Then go to church.

-Yes.

And then we open stockings next morning in bed.

Stockings?

That's what Father Christmas brings, the stockings.

-Doesn't he, darling?

-Well... Because you've never been here, I've always just done my own.

Naughty Father Christmas.

Naughty Father Christmas, darling.

And for lunch, sweetheart, for Christmas lunch, darling, who comes for that, darling?

-Well, there will be me and John.

-Edina: Yes, yes.

Is he from Gabon?

-What?

-Is he from Gabon?

-Gabon?

-Patsy: Yes, is he from Gabon?

-Why are you saying that?

-Gabon.

Will you stop saying that now?

Well, ask her if he's from Gabon.

-Is he from Gabon?

-No.

No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up.

Darling, Christmas, Christmas lunch, darling, again, who's there?

-Who's coming?

Who's coming for... -Bo and Marshall.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-And Dad.

-Edina: Yeah, yeah.

-Gran and Jane, of course.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, come on, come on, come on.

-Edina: Yes.

You haven't told her, have you?

Everything will be fine.

We'll be fine.

If you just keep going.

Who's coming to Christmas lunch?

-Well, there will me, John... -Yes.

Yes.

-...Dad, Gran, Jane, Bo and Marshall.

-Yes.

Yes.

-And you.

-Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch, darling?

Oh, Saff just invited me for Christmas lunch, darling.

Saff just, uh, well, I... -What, Eddy?

-"And Patsy."

"And Patsy."

Say, "And Patsy."

-And Patsy.

-What, Eddy?

Oh, darling, and you as well, she said.

Inviting us to Christmas lunch, darling.

-No, Eddy, we're going away.

-But, darling-- We always go away.

We can just be here for a little Christmas... -No!

-Darling, just for little Lola, sweetheart.

Just for Lola, sweetheart.

We could just be here for Christmas, sweetheart.

Couldn't we?

When were you going to tell her?

Oh, shut up.

I understand this process.

Just you shut up.

Eddy, I can't.

Give me the ticket!

(MOUTHS) I haven't got any tickets.

We're staying here for Christmas.

(GRUNTS) Oh.

Yeah.

Well, you handled that very badly.

Very badly, darling.

Sometimes you beggar belief.

Yeah, I know.

-Pats... -I can't, Eddy, I won't!

-I hate Christmas!

-(EDINA SIGHS) Patsy's mother: How cruel this time is, with its ghastly pretense of festivity.

Its lights twinkling in cruel mockery, like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy.

He was too good to me.

(SOBBING) Where is he now?

Why am I banished here with no one to love me?

Patsy: Mother?

Oh, you, Patricia.

What do you want?

Patsy: (STUTTERS) I, I, I, uh... (SCREAMS) What?

Spit it out!

Or I'll wash it down with absinthe.

Patsy: Happy Christmas.

-No!

-(GLASS SHATTERS) Why?

Why have you done this?

(GASPS) It must be kept out!

We must not let it in!

(RECORD SCRATCHES) Why have you brought this poison in?

You are tainted with their gluttony.

And, and insincerity and urbanity and punctilio!

-(CHUCKLES) -Patsy: Sorry.

Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying.

But I, like a ship at harbor, too long have been riding my ropes.

And now cast off the fetter hood of motherdom.

Patsy: Where are you going?

I'm going down the Golden Calf, with Burrell, Maurice, and Lydia to drink and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul.

I won't be home.

If Betty May comes over, the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen.

Keep it out!

Keep it out!

(BREATHES HEAVILY) I'll go on my own.

At least I won't have to see your fat, white body in a bikini, like a beached whale!

Oh, thank you.

-Argh.

Oh, Eddy... -Here we go, here we go.

-Eddy.

Eddy.

Eddy.

-Here we go.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear.

-Eddy.

Eddy.

Just leave her, leave her.

I know, what she's doing.

I know what... You just... You're supposed to be putting them on, not take 'em off, you stupid woman.

Well, Christmas comes around so quickly nowadays, dear.

It's hard to know where you are.

Oh, just go on.

Just... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Oh, it's supposed to be a Christmas tree, not the Blair Witch Project.

Look at this.

And you, you can get up there.

Go on, put the star on.

-No, I'm not good with heights.

-Get on.

Get up there.

Get up there now.

-I think I see an eagle circling.

-Edina: Stop it.

Saff, come and look.

We're putting the star on, darling.

Come and look.

(BRAYING) I'm scared, scared, scared.

Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling.

Oh, my God.

What's happened to her?

-She's collapsed.

It's quite normal.

-Leave her, leave her.

Just leave her, leave her... Look, star on top, sweetheart.

Oh, I've not been this scared since I lost me teeth on the Cat and Mouse at Blackpool.

Edina: Oh, come on.

Oh, look.

-We have to do something.

-Bubble: Oh.

She's very cold.

-Oh.

-We have to increase her temperature.

I'll get her a reviver.

-If the patient's temperature is too low... -(SIGHS) -...we have to increase it by warming her up.

-Edina: Oh.

Mum, you're going to have to take her to hospital.

Come on, darling, no one's finding this funny anymore, darling.

Get up!

(SIREN WAILING) Medic: Patsy, can you hear me?

What are you giving her?

What are you giving her there?

What is that?

Oxygen?

I want that.

She's alright.

Pats, Pats, wake up.

We've gotta go back.

It's Christmas.

-Oh.

Oh!

-(THUDS) -Edina: Oh!

-Medic: Hold on.

-(GROANING) -(KNOCKING) I hurt my head.

I need a stretcher.

I want another stretcher, like that one.

I'm sick too.

I want oxygen, I want the oxygen.

Edina: (SOBBING) Oh, no.

Okay, what's the story here?

Sixty-five-year-old woman found collapsed.

I'm 43.

Pat, um...

Follow that trolley.

Um, wait... (MUMBLING) This is ridiculous.

This is stupid.

What is this, Eastern Europe?

Oh.

Little bit hurt.

Little bit hurt.

I need some crutches.

Crutches... Oh... Pats.

And, um, I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin straight into the heart.

-That's good to know, Miss Stone.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, what's the matter with you, then?

I don't know, Eddy, just had a little funny turn.

Still, I'd rather be here than having Christmas.

Few days on drugs, lovely.

-Can I go?

-Only if you pass me my chart?

Sort of write down some of things that I must have.

Could you read off that, darling?

-"Smoking contains benzene... -Benzene.

-"...nitrosamine, formaldehyde... -Nitrosamine.

-And hydrogen cyanide.

-...and hydrogen cyanide."

Thanks, darling, put that back, please.

I mean, I'd stay here, it's just that I've got so much to do, you know.

-(MUFFLED) Well, go.

-Oh.

-(INHALES) -(CLANGING) Excuse me.

It's just that Miss Stone, she's extremely unwell.

Yeah, well, I'm unwell.

Look, do you know who her next of kin is so we can inform them?

(SIGHS) Oh, God, yeah, she's got a sister called Jackie.

That's it, that's it.

Well, you can cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list, darling.

They've put her on a bleep machine.

Oh.

Sorry.

Hmm.

Are you?

Really?

Well, it is Christmas.

What's that got to do with it?

Time to forgive and forget.

(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Well, I'd better get on with my wrapping.

Yes, well nobody needs much.

Don't go over the top.

I'm not over the top, darling.

Sweetheart, about little Lola's present, darling, you know you said Wendy House?

Well, darling, Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt home.

-No.

-No, I said not.

I said not.

I didn't get one, I said no.

What have you got for Mama, darling?

What have you got for me?

I'm not telling you.

Yeah, but if it's, you know-- It's the thought that counts.

It's just the thought I'm worried about, darling, you see.

Because if the thought is Yardley-- Stop it.

It's just, sweetheart, you know, I have overbought and there's plenty of stuff in my room upstairs, darling, that I would like-- Would you just go?

And I don't eat Brussels sprouts.

Remember that, darling.

They make me a bit... (BLOWS) You know.

Don't use too much paper.

Don't overlap it like that.

-Just make it meet.

-Oh.

It doesn't have to be... -(GASPS) -...scrooge.

Edina: Don't use too much of that ribbon either.

That's expensive, that ribbon.

Oh, look at it.

Who would want to give this all away?

(SIGHS) Who's this for?

Who did I buy that for?

-The old woman.

-Oh, my mother.

It's a bit big, isn't it, that scarf?

Bit big for her actually.

-She won't want all that now.

-Oh.

Will she?

I'll just cut that... -Bubble: Common!

-She won't want it all now.

Common miser.

We'll just leave the rest for next year.

Just wrap that.

Oh.

Merry Christmas.

I suppose are the appropriate words to use for this time of year.

No, she's in a coma, you fool.

-Anyway, Patsy doesn't do Christmas.

-Oh.

-Didn't you know?

-Yes.

"Are you very ill?"

is the next subject that springs to mind.

-No, she's... -Hello.

Oh.

She's having a rest.

-Recuperation.

-Reguberation.

That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it?

Say it again.

-Reguberation.

-Again.

No.

What are you doing here?

I bought you a small gift.

Oh, yes, it's from both of us.

-What is it?

-It's nothing.

Go on, open it.

It's a trifle, a trinket.

No, really, it's nothing.

Open it now.

It's from me, mainly.

I told you, just some lovely packaging.

Can you turn up that drip?

-Yeah.

-I'll do it.

Oh.

(GASPS) Oh?

(GASPS) Oh!

You couldn't possibly understand them.

-(GROANS) -(MONITOR FLAT LINES) Find the FRS, let's shock her.

Give me 200, nurse.

Charging.

Stand clear.

Doctor: No, nothing.

360.

Charging.

Stand clear.

(BEEPING STOPS) Hold it.

(INHALES) Oh, that was fantastic.

Jesus.

At least you'll get more than a hamper from your mother this Christmas.

There's nothing wrong with hamper.

If you like salted anchovies, potted meat and thick-cut marmalade.

It's as if they scrape everything up that hasn't been sold and won't ever be sold and put it in a Christmas ham... -We're always very grateful for the thought.

-Edina: Hmm.

And you know, I've blistered my lip with all my wrapping.

-Oh, dear.

-Edina: Hmm.

Will you stop shaking everything?

Put it down.

I'll get your stick and you can beat it to death as well if you want.

How did you manage the procreation?

Well, these things happen.

When you, when you first met her, did you think that she was a man?

Certainly not.

You see, because I was wondering, I was thinking, what do you feel when you look at a man?

Well, the same as when you look at a woman.

Well, when I look at a woman, if she's gorgeous, then I think about intimate relations.

But when I look at a man, even if he's gorgeous, nothing.

Now, when I look at Saffron, I think about maximum intimate relations.

But when I look at her mother, Edininia... nothing.

So I was wondering if when you had intimate relations with her, you thought that she was a man.

That may well explain it.

Darling, Saff, I'm bringing in something now.

But it's not for you, alright, darling?

Alright, sweetheart, it's coming in now but it's not for you, sweetheart.

It's not as big as it looks, darling.

It's not as big as it looks.

Alright, sweetheart.

It's not for you.

It's for Lola, darling.

-It's just for little...

Listen that.

Jingle bells.

-(BELLS JINGLING) It's not a reindeer, sweetheart.

Sweetheart, darling, got a little thing for baby.

Got a little thing for you, darling.

-(SINGSONGY) Da-nee.

-(GASPS) Oh.

This is for you, sweetheart.

It's a stocking.

Is that a stocking?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-It's for you, darling.

Hmm.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

-Do you wanna know what's in it?

-No.

Money.

I put money in it.

I stuffed it with money, darling.

Has it, has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse?

-Merry Christmas.

-Hello.

Ooh, this is the day that the Lord has made.

Edina: Oh.

Oh, good to see you.

Well, hello, stranger.

I hear you're joining us to celebrate the birth of the Christ child this year.

Amen.

Don't sit down yet, Marshall.

Okay, baby.

So what's happening with you two?

You haven't got our newsletter?

Hi, I'm Bo and this is Marshall and I am bursting.

I am so excited, I cannot wait to share the news of this product.

Well, what is it, Bo?

(LAUGHS) I'll tell you, Marshall.

Rejoice and be glad because finally, at last, there's a non-fat fat-eating product for the faith community.

-Hallelujah, Bo.

-Bo: Amen.

Tell us what it is you're talking about.

Well, I'm talking about Staylene, the non-fat fat-eating product system.

Now, "system" is a very important part.

It sure is.

It is the best non-fat fat-eating product system on the market today.

It is taking the fat out of America but leaving the flavor behind.

We are helping real people with real problems.

How does Staylene work, Bo?

Is it some kind of miracle?

Thanks for asking, and I think it is.

It's a chemical process, prepared by our own Ministry scientists at our laboratories in Bunter, Ohio.

They've explained to me that it is a combination of tiny sponges and silicone.

The sponges act like God's own angels sucking up the bad fat and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon.

You know Staylene must be safe when science has, along with the Lord, had a hand in it.

Amen.

(CHUCKLES) What are you mixing up there, Bo?

Oh, I'm not mixing, I'm agitating.

I'm agitating the compound prior to cooking.

You know, many of those other non-fat fat-eating products are so heavy they go straight through your body, causing... Well, I can't bear to say it.

-Well, I'll say it for you, Bo.

-Okay.

Anal leakage.

(BO LAUGHS) But not Staylene, no.

It's safe and effective and it also protects and cleans.

-To prove that... Would you agitate for me?

-Sure, honey.

To prove this, I've fed Marshall another non-fat fat-eating product, and these were his underpants after that day.

These are his underpants after Staylene.

One pair horribly stained, the other, fresh as a daisy, as God intended.

Can we celebrate that with a hallelujah?

(LAUGHING) Ew.

Hallelujah.

We have many testimonials from satisfied customers.

We sure do.

In just three days of eating Staylene, Philomena Bill enjoyed these miraculous results.

I've gotta say, though, I think it's her face that's the problem.

It's pixelated, Bo.

I've been pixelated in my time before I got good with the Lord, and my face never looked like that.

But we are talking about Staylene, God's own non-fat fat-eating product system.

Celebrate the difference.

An offer that's irresistible.

Amen.

And it also removes unwanted body hair.

Show 'em your back, Marshall.

I'm kidding, because I'm crazy.

So crazy I have an offer.

-No.

-Yes.

The first ten people who call for our system will receive a free agitator.

-Marshall: Steady, Bo.

-Bo: I'm gonna do it.

Marshall: Can you believe that?

-Can you believe this?

-Amen and Praise Jesus.

So, we've been in Staylene since the bottom fell out of the baby business.

Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall.

He OD'd on Staylene.

Yep.

Once an addict.

Couldn't just have one cookie.

Had to have the whole jar.

Has everyone got a drink?

Oh, look at her, the hostess.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Christmas... -Saffy.

-Oh.

No, Gran.

Happy Christmas Eve.

-Justin: Oh, happy Christmas.

-(FARTS) Marshall, was that you?

Okay.

Upstairs now, mister.

Come on.

March, two, three, four.

-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) -(MONITOR BEEPING) (GASPS) Pats.

Jacks.

I came as soon as I heard.

-Heard?

-No, don't speak.

Don't tire yourself.

I can see it's difficult.

The nurses tell me you haven't got long.

So let's make the most of these few moments.

I haven't got long?

I know, darling, but I'm here.

Your sister.

Oh, Patsy, always my favorite.

-Really?

-Oh, yes, darling.

Your protector, friend... Oh, darling.

Let's remember the good times, eh?

The old times, before the birdsong comes to brighten the mood.

And the, and the terrible hours are driven away, and the demons creep back into... wherever you keep your demons.

My pants drawer.

It's, uh, it's nice to have you here.

Yeah, I've been okay, haven't I?

Yeah.

-Are you, uh, missing Patsy?

-Pat... Oh, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy.

Yeah, well... Yeah.

Yeah.

We can go and see her tomorrow, take her something.

Well, just a little thing, though, darling.

Don't want anything too big.

I mean, I think you were right about, you know...

It's just too much.

Everything's got a little bit out of control, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Hmm.

But it's okay this time, Mum, I know you got carried away and there is a pleasure in giving.

-Is there?

-Yes.

Yes, there is, darling.

-Night.

-N... Oh.

S... (MUTTERS) Jacks, I don't remember any good times.

Oh, yes, darling.

Parties.

You remember the party we had when Mother died.

That was a great time.

How happy we were.

And then-- Then you married Marcello.

Now, don't be silly, darling-- Of course, I can't remember that, I wasn't there, was I?

Now stop it, or I shall fetch the nurse.

He was mine, Marcello Agnelli.

He was the only man I ever loved.

We were supposed to be married and then you took him.

I took him?

How could I take him?

He was a grown man.

You told him I was dead.

Well, I thought you were dead.

How many people survive a heroin overdose on that scale?

I must have got the purity wrong.

When I came out of the clinic you'd got him, you stripped him clean.

Well, um...

The lifestyle tired me.

(CHUCKLES) The Learjets, the villas, the yachts, the parents.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Pats, darling, I'm so glad we can laugh at it all now.

But, darling, you've been alright, you've had your job.

You're a woman of means now.

Which reminds me, the will.

Now, darling, you've, uh... You've left everything to me, of course.

A will?

There was a pair of shoes of yours that I like, so I included those.

Well, I can sell the rest.

My cats are going to be so grateful.

Sign, darling.

I hate you.

Oh, darling.

(KISSES) And now... the final pin.

I think I got the purity right this time.

As long as we get home for the present unwrapping, darling, because I bought everyone everything and I don't wanna miss it.

We can't stay long, that's all I'm saying.

Excuse me, who are you here to see?

-Miss Stone.

-Wah, wah, wah.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Miss Stone passed away last night.

I've got her... What did she say?

Mum, she's dead.

Patsy... (WHISPERING) Oh, darling... Pats...

Darling... Oh, hi, Eddy.

Have you come to take me home?

(GASPING) What?

What?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, that's Jackie.

-What's that?

-Huh?

-Oh, she died last night.

Heroin overdose.

Oh, darling, it's Jacks.

So, merry Christmas, sweetie.

Edina: Merry Christmas, darling.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas, darling.

It's Patsy, darling.

Patsy.

Patsy.

Merry Christmas.

Edina: (LAUGHS) Come on, darling.

Come on.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas.

-Will you stop saying merry Christmas?

-Patsy: I can't stop saying it.

Stop saying merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-You don't like Christmas.

Too much.

Always too much.

This is for you, Saffy.

Oh, thank you, Gran.

I can't remember what I've bought for everyone, but some of you will get cat beds and the others will get pillow lights.

Marshall: Ah.

Oh, I like it.

It's just the ticket.

-Oh, Dad, what were you thinking?

-What?

I don't want to discuss vulgar matters, but when you are with the other fellow, what's the procedure?

How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady?

Well, I...

I'm the lady.

Oh, you're the lady.

You two really have to stop talking about this now.

If anyone doesn't like the presents I've given them, I'll just have 'em back.

Just give them back to me.

Oh, Mum, I love it.

Good.

Oh, thank you.

What's this?

It's a professional tool kit.

That you've always wanted.

How did you guess?

Eddy, how long does all this go on, you know?

I don't know, there's a sort of lunch thing and then I think we can...

Darling, I think in the afternoon we can nip down to Annabelle's -and have a little bit of a... -Annabelle's, yeah.

-Darling.

-Yeah.

-Sweetheart, I've got you a little present in here.

-Yeah.

Oh, darling, oh, cheers, sweetheart.

I've got you a little present.

Here you are, sweetheart.

Cheers, cheers.

Happy Christmas.

But Eddy, Eddy, we will stay for lunch, won't we?

-'Cause I think it'll be lovely.

-Yeah, we'll stay for lunch.

We'll stay for lunch.

(LAUGHTER) Cheers to the chef!

-(ALL EXCLAIMING) -Cheers.

Um, Mrs. M, just a little for me, please.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Edina: Cheers.

Cheers, darling.

(COUGHING VIOLENTLY) Oh, I knew this would happen.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)